More People I Want to Smack In The Head

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Last year I wrote this post that was inspired by a book I read.  I was clearly feeling pretty frustrated, and because writing is super cheap therapy, I wrote all about the folks who, if I had slightly less self-control, I’d seriously walk up to and backhand, in hopes of waking them the fuck up. 

Lately, I’ve been feeling this way again.  Lots of stuff is pissing me off these days.  Hey, it happens to the best of us.  I bet the Dalai Lama even wants to smack a few people in the head on occasion, only he's not allowed to say it out loud.  But I'm not him, and sometimes you just have to get it out!  So, here it is, the sequel to my original post.

Editor’s note: To repeat what my husband said when I wrote the initial post, “Wanting to smack people in the head is part of life.  NOT actually doing so, is important.” (I bet the Dalai Lama would approve).

More People I Want To Smack In The Head:

People who constantly play their radios/ipods super loud outdoors in the summer.  Especially when I’m trying to freaking relax, commune with nature, and enjoy some peace.  Seriously people – not everyone has the same taste in music as you, and constant noise is not required. If you can't spend one afternoon without background noise, then I'm thinkin' you probably have some internal dialogue you're looking to avoid.  Maybe you need to deal with that and quit making the rest of us suffer. There is a time and place for Metallica, and maybe even your Groovin’ to the Oldies station, but in case you missed that science class - sound carries!  Especially across water.  So for the love of God, turn it down!

People who think that ‘Raised by Wolves’ is a legit parenting style.  Honestly, I’m the FIRST one to admit that parenting is the hardest job on the planet.  I also know that not everyone is fortunate enough to have a solid ‘team parenting’ situation.  Furthermore, I worked with kids in some capacity for over 20 years, and now have two myself.  I am well aware that they are ALL assholes sometimes, no matter how awesome their parents are.  I also know that my kids are no exception to this truth.  Yes, kids need to have some freedom, learn age-appropriate responsibility, life skills, and how to work out conflict on their own.  But the key word here is LEARN folks.  Kids can’t learn this stuff if nobody teaches it to them, and no – THAT is not just the teacher’s job!  Parents are the most important influence on a kid's life. Don’t take my word for it, do the research. If you’re going to have a kid, you HAVE to step up!  As parents, examples need to be set.  ‘Do what I say, not what I do’ – NEVER, EVER works.   Don’t assume your kid who’s an ‘angel’ at home, is behaving the same way when they’re with their peers, or on social media, and your back is turned.  Have you taught them (shown by example) how morally responsible, emotionally intelligent, compassionate, trustworthy humans behave, even when no adults/authority figures are around to monitor them?  Have you shown them that you’ll consistently be there to support them, even when they mess up – regardless of what shit is going on in your own life?  Have you set reasonable but firm boundaries as to what will be tolerated and what won’t?  If not, here’s a newsflash for you - kids don’t raise themselves!  Also… if you’re too busy acting like a kid, you can’t effectively be raising one.  It doesn’t work that way.

People who always want to focus on the worst-case scenario when something goes wrong.  Listen, I’m all for keepin’ it real, but WTF is with some people?  It’s like they’re part of a secret doomsday cult who go around crushing everyone’s vibe so that the rest of the world can be as negative and miserable as they are.  Like recently, we lost our cat.  I mean she went out and hasn’t come back yet.  See, I say ‘yet’ because I’m super hopeful she will and have heard tons of stories about cats who’ve taken off for weeks or months and eventually returned or been found.  I’m not delusional, I just have faith, and prefer to focus on the positive possibilities.  But some people, the minute they hear about your bad news, they start saying shit like, “Maybe foxes took her.  You know I saw some around here recently.”  Or, “You know some people steal cats and sell them.” (Seriously?), or, “Some of those cat rescue people get really pissy about outdoor cats, so if they find one, they won’t return it”, or… and this is my favourite, “I heard cats leave home when they’re ready to die.”  Are you kidding me right now?  I appreciate that you might mean well, but If THAT’s all you got, maybe keep it shut o.k.? 

The guy walking into the Michael’s store right in front of my kid and I, who’s pants were half-way down his ass, exposing the majority of his butt crack.  Seriously dude, there is NO way you don’t know that’s happening, so G.R.O.S.S.  And if you really aren’t aware, maybe get you’re head out of the clouds and reconnect a little with your bodily sensations o.k.?  Because if you can’t feel your pants sagging that low, and the air hitting your exposed bits, then you either have some medical issue that numbs all your nerve endings or, you are seriously out of touch with your body.  My guess though, is that you’re just an attention-seeking ass-hat whose parents maybe thought ‘raised by wolves’ was a legit parenting style. 

People who say shit like, “I don’t believe in astrology" (or other so-called mystical subjects), "I only believe in science".  (Ahem - science isn’t something you believe in – it’s something you study).  Or maybe, "I believe in a white-haired guy that floats around in the sky, but that other stuff is way too far fetched."  Um… I hate to break it to you, but you not believing in something, doesn’t mean it’s not real.  Sorry, but you’re not that powerful.  Your beliefs don’t trump the truth, and just because you don’t understand something, doesn’t make it impossible/wrong/untrue.  A person’s refusal to open their mind to possibilities, doesn’t mean the possibilities don’t exist.  Stop acting like a baby who legit thinks that the other person can’t see them if they hide their eyes.  For sure follow your own truth – but realize that it’s not necessarily THE truth.

People who leave their dogs tied up outside barking incessantly.  Listen, don’t pretend you can’t hear that shit.  I can hear it from inside my house way down the street.  Get your ass out of bed, take your headphones off, or let your dog in before you take a shower.  I don’t know what you’re doing in there when that’s going on outside your window… but maybe you need to turn Jerry Springer down a little?  Or the hearing aid up a lot?  And if you left your house, and are just leaving your dog tied up in your yard all day when you're gone, so you actually can’t hear it from wherever you are, then you're just an asshole, and maybe don’t have a dog.  Unless of course you’re raising Alaskan Malamutes for like, dog sledding or something.  Then maybe move to the country, or Alaska.

People who have an insatiable need for everyone to like them.  You cannot trust these people folks!  Because they will always tell you what they think you want to hear… and they’ll tell everyone else that too.  One minute they’ll be acting like so and so is a total beeatch for what she did to you, and the next minute they’re virtually fawning all over said beeatch on FB, or maybe inviting them over.  And the thing is, it's totally cool if you really DO like that person (maybe she's not a beeatch to you, so you don't get it)... But STOP PRETENDING just to spare someone's feelings, or more accurately, your own.  It’s icky, sad, disloyal, and sometimes even hurtful.  It makes me want to smack someone.  As much as I truly believe that in a ‘big picture, collective consciousness' sort of way, we are all in this together, the fact is, it’s more complicated than that.  We’re also all human, and you just can't love everyone the most!  So, quit faking it, stop being a sell-out, decide what you stand for, who you want to align yourself with, what you will and won’t tolerate, and then be brave enough to risk the sometimes uncomfortable feeling of not being liked by people.  Especially the ones who in the end, wouldn’t cross the street to save your ass if you were being mugged.  You can't both have integrity and be liked by everyone.  It doesn't work that way!

Whew!  Holy shit it feels good to get that off my chest!  I feel like, 100 lbs lighter right now.

By the way, I’m totally aware that sometimes people want to smack me in the head too. In fact, maybe something in this post hit a nerve and really pissed you off.  Maybe you’re currently making your own list and I’m at the top of it.  You know what?  That’s o.k.  Because like I said, you just can’t love everyone the most. 

Go ahead and leave a comment about whatever, or whomever, is pissing you off royally these days.  You know you want to.

P.S.  The book the original post was inspired by is: People I Want to Punch in the Throat, by Jenn Mann