Here’s What We All REALLY NEED To Know About
The Brangelina Breakup


OMG! Have you heard the news about Brangelina? Of course you have because you can’t fucking escape it. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Yesterday, an article showed up on my newsfeed titled, 'The Brangelina Divorce - Everything You Need to Know'. I refused to share it or even read it, because people, here's what I (and all of you) REALLY NEED to know about Brad and Angie’s breakup... S.F.A.! In case that’s not an acronym you're familiar with it stands for, Sweet. Fuck. All! THAT folks, is what we all REALLY NEED to know about the whole ordeal. Exactly NOTHING. Rien. Nada. Neinte.

We NEED things like water, food, a roof over our heads and social connection. We NEED to know if we are in clear and present danger. But the details of the Brangelina divorce, are on exactly nobody’s list of ‘things I need to survive’. Clearly, the author of the article in question, was never taught the difference between an actual need, and a weird fucking desire to be a voyeur into other people’s personal lives. There seem to be a lot of folks in the mainstream media who missed that class.

The thing is, two people (with a whole lot of kids) are divorcing. One of them probably had an affair. If that's true, he's an asshat. Because in my opinion, married adults who have affairs are childish asshats. There, now you know how I really feel, in case you were wondering.

Like if you’re not happy in your relationship, fine. If your partner is a for real abusive prick, or an incurable addict, or a narcissist, then get the hell out. STAT! It is not your job to fix that shit.  Beyond that, if you’ve acknowledged your own shortcomings, given it your best shot, and still can’t fathom spending the rest of your life with that person, then be an adult and end it respectfully and maturely, BEFORE moving on to ‘other options.’ You’re not in high school anymore (BRAD)! Grow the fuck up. 

Making bad choices sucks on a number of levels and mostly, it's really hard on the self esteem.  When you snap out of it (assuming you do), you will feel like a first class asshat and you'll wish you'd handled it differently.  Regret sucks.  Try to avoid it at all costs.  But if you already made a bad choice and can't go back on it now, don't beat yourself up cause that does zero good and doesn't change the past.  Instead, make amends and deal with whatever baggage caused you to behave like a 10th grader in the first place.  Then move on, and keep adulting.

As for the most recent headlines, about Brad being an abusive father, none of us has any clue about the validity of that ‘news’, but we all know that sometimes, people play dirty when relationships break up. Again, GTFU people! And maybe consider for a moment, the children who are being caught in the cross fire of your infantile bullshit. Way to set an example.

Whew! Now that we have that out of the way, my point is, this breakup, like any other breakup we’re not directly involved in as the ‘breaker’ or ‘breakee’, is 100% NONE of our fucking business. Really people, I'm not sure what's more sad - the fact that someone's relationship is ending (which sucks no matter who you are and what the circumstance) or the fact that so many people give so many shits about it. People are acting like it’s their job to know what happened. That my friends, is fucked up!

Seriously, if you have that much time to devote to knowing every sordid (alleged) detail of the Brangelina breakup (or any other Hollywood or neighborhood saga), you have WAAAAAAY too much time on your hands. Or at very least, you could be using your time a lot more productively. Like, oh I don’t know, cleaning the lint out of your belly button, or actually cooking one of the 5000 recipes for ‘easy weeknight meals’ you’ve saved on Pinterest.

Listen, I was raised by a Dad who worked as an NHL Ref his whole life. (Yes this is relevant). See to some people, my Dad was ‘famous’. Yes, seriously. I grew up in a small town o.k. So you know, ‘fame’ is relative. And no, I’m not for even one second equating my Dad with Brad Pitt (sorry Dad… and mom). Obviously Brangelina is about a kajillion times more famous than my Dad ever was, but nevertheless, to a lot of people, mostly die hard hockey fans, my Dad was ‘famous’. Some people even wanted his autograph and stuff. But truthfully, I NEVER understood those people (again, sorry Dad). I’ve just never been the star struck type.  So, I really, really don’t get it when people are so obsessed with other people that they feel like they somehow need to know, or even worse, have a right to know the details of that person’s personal life. What is UP with that?  It's fucking bizarre!

Yeah, yeah, I get the whole ‘well if you don’t want people picking through your garbage or snapping pictures of you on the Italian Riviera in your bikini, then maybe don’t be famous’ argument. But I think it’s stupid. And not valid. And stupid. Just because a person does something ‘high profile’ for a living, does not entitle you, or me, or anyone else to be privy to their private lives. That’s bullshit. It’s sick and twisted, and a sign that as a society, we have sunk lower than I care to admit and that we need to put our focus on shit that actually matters. Like, oh I don't know, maybe on stuff like not polluting the food and water we actually NEED to survive. Just a suggestion.

How would you like it if you just filed for divorce and the whole world knew about it 3 seconds after it happened? There are like six kids who will be affected by this madness too! How would you like it if those were your kids? Think about that for a minute before you go all ‘Oh I hope he gets back together with Jen!’ giddy over the whole thing.

Also, I get that some people willingly share their lives like an open book. They do this for a number of reasons. Sometimes it’s to allow others to learn from their mistakes, sometimes it’s to help them (or their audience) feel less alone, sometimes it’s therapeutic, sometimes it’s because they’re narcissists, and sometimes it’s because they’re a former child star and their appearance on that low budget reality show, will help them pay their bills or keep them in Jack Daniels and fried chicken for the next few months. The point is, in all of those circumstances, the person gets to CHOOSE if and what, they want to share about their lives!

Sure, maybe Brad and/or Angie willingly put certain ‘details’ out there. If so, that was their choice. But even if that's the case, it doesn’t make it something we NEED to know. It doesn’t mean that we should go around with shit eating grins on our faces and reveling in their misfortune. Again… that’s just fucked up!

Brad and Angelina are people, just like you and me. Yes, they have a lot more money (and kids) than most of us, but they’re people nonetheless. People with hearts and feelings and children who have zero say in how any of this shakes down.  They're people who granted, may have screwed up on occasion (show me a human who hasn’t). But they’re people who are entitled to a little privacy when they’re going through a rough time.

So friends, let’s not get caught up in the voyeurism of it all. We’re better than that.  Let's set an example and be adults o.k.?

Brad & Angie, I wish you self-awareness and the ability to behave like adults, for the sake of your children and the sanctity of your self-worth. But mostly, I wish you all of the love and none of the bullshit.  Godspeed.

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