Today, I Feel Like A Failure
Today, I feel like a failure because I told my kid too much sugar isn't good for her. Half an hour later, she was exercising in her room because she said she doesn’t like her body and that when she looks at all her friends, they’re skinnier than her. She’s 8. Only 8 dammit! Even though I NEVER diet or talk about weight or calories or any of it.....she has clearly been influenced by the dark side, and I feel powerless.
Today, I feel like a failure because my business, the one I quit my regular and decent paying job to build, is making less and less money lately. That’s not what’s supposed to happen right? I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. WTF?!
Today, I feel like a failure because I don’t see enough of the people I care about. My sisters are really good at keeping up with everyone and in comparison, I feel inadequate. I worry that friends and family think that I’m aloof, self-absorbed or just don’t care. It makes my heart hurt.
Today, I feel like a failure because the tiles I laid in the kitchen a couple of years ago, are separating, lifting, and impossible to keep clean. Apparently, I should never host a DIY show.
Today, feel like a failure because I haven’t done yoga again in more than 2 weeks. I know I should. I know how helpful it is to keeping me balanced both mentally and physically. But I still haven’t put down the mat.
Today, I feel like a failure because I don’t know how to French braid like all the other moms. As someone who’s had long hair for most of her life, this seems ridiculous and slightly embarrassing to me at times. I keep meaning to learn, but I haven’t.
Today, I feel like a failure because I’ve been sick for the last 5 days and am generally falling behind in life. Even though I know I can’t control this, today, it’s really pissing me off.
Today, I feel like a failure because I vowed to paint my daughter’s room this week, and it still hasn’t happened. Nope, definitely never hosting a DIY show.
Today, I feel like a failure because my kid is in Europe without me, there have been bombings in Belgium, and I’m not there to hold his hand and tell him everything will be o.k.
Yep, today, for many reasons, I feel like a failure and it sucks. But I’m holding tight to the possibility that tomorrow I’ll wake up and everything will be different. Life’s like that. Not every day can shine. I think the days that don’t, are there for the contrast….So that when things do start going our way, we recognize it and are grateful for the good stuff.
Several days ago, I felt like a failure, which prompted me to write this post. As a result of being at the end of my rope and feeling like I suck, I had a serious talk with the Universe/God/The Big Kahuna/The Creator, whatever term you choose, about how I really needed to know if I was on the right track and if I was, I needed a clear effing sign, stat! Yep, used the f word with the Big Kahuna I did. And the day after I had that talk, as I was beginning to write this post, that sign showed up….and a few more have since. THIS is why when life sucks monkey balls, the best thing to do is take some deep breaths, ask honestly and gratefully for what you need, let go of your attachment to the outcome, and then wait. Because I guarantee you that things will change. Maybe not on your schedule or according to your specific expectations, but they WILL change. Your mood will change, the weather will change, your circumstances will change, somebody’s attitude will change towards you, whatever. But things WILL change, because that’s part of being human. Some days you feel like a failure, and some days you don’t.