People I Want To Smack In The Head

05 chimps bd 610

I recently started reading Jen Mann's book, People I Want To Punch In The Throat. This was part of my mother's day gift. My husband knows me well. He actually bought it for me because I'm a fan of Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess), and she endorsed this book. It's a series of stories from Jen's real life. Bad ass truth telling is my favourite style of writing.  It's what I aspire to be brave enough to do, and so it goes without saying that I like the book. In fact, it inspired me to write this post. But since I'm not really a throat puncher, I decided to title my own list, 'People I Want To Smack In The Head'. It seems more true to form.

Editor's Note: In the words of my husband, 'Wanting to punch people in the throat/smack people in the head, is part of life. Not doing so is important."

We all get frustrated at times and everyone has things that drive them bonkers about other people. This is by no means, an exhaustive list for me, but rather what came to mind as I was writing. Seriously, WTF is my problem? Apparently a lot of stuff burns my ass. But mostly, I've learned to breathe through it and not let it ruin my day. Still, everyone needs to vent sometimes right?

A List Of People I Want to Smack In The Head:

People who ask everyone for advice, and never take any of it. For crying out loud, then quit asking everyone what they think, would you!?

People who are always giving advice, when nobody asked them for it. Hey Ann Landers, if you just can't help yourself, then maybe you should start writing a column/blog and the people who actually want your advice can just go read it, or contact you and ask you for it! I admittedly give advice in my line of work, but I try my damnedest not to shove it down people's throats (even though sometimes I'd like to). I try to only dish it out to people who have asked for it or sought it out, because getting advice from someone when you never asked for it, is just annoying as hell. Side note: If someone is offering up their opinion in the form of a post on social media, that's not the same as giving advice in my books. If you don't want to engage with it, don't. Problem solved.

People who are always telling you the 'kind of person they are' but their actions tell you that in reality, they are a totally different person than they want you to believe, or maybe even that they want to believe themselves. I call this being totally unconscious and out of integrity. It's hard to witness. Makes me all squirmy and uncomfortable and like smacking the person and saying, "Wake up already! Are you listening to the shit coming out of your mouth and comparing it to the way you are actually behaving? Because I am, and it doesn't add up man! You need a reality check bad." Sure, sometimes we all need a reality check, me included, but I'm talking about people who exist like this on a daily basis. They spend their whole lives saying one thing and doing another. Drives. Me. Nuts.

People who criticize and judge other people incessantly, but can't see through their own bullshit – "Uh, hello pot? Meet kettle." Nobody is perfect. I repeat, NOBODY. Actually, in my experience, the people who are uber critical of others usually don't like themselves very much. So even though I want to smack them in the head, I also kind of want to hug them.

The teenage boy who was yelling at his girlfriend downtown last week about how she ruined his effing sandwich. I could barely contain myself. Kid, you are not a badass cool guy for yelling and swearing at your girlfriend. You are both a world class shit head, and someone who probably didn't get enough hugs. So frustrating. So sad.

The girlfriend who stood there and took it. My heart aches for your future beautiful girl. I hope you one day realize that you are worth way more than that.

People who are always trying the latest diet. Hint: If you keep having to try new diets, obviously none of them actually work. Stop being a slave to an industry that rakes in heaps of money from making people feel like shit about themselves. Maybe just try easing up on yourself a little and treating yourself with some kindness and respect....That might include feeding your body good, real, wholesome food more regularly, or it might involve eating cake once in awhile.

People who always want their lives to be different, but 10 years later, they're still talking about it and never actually do anything about it. Listen, it's not easy to sort your shit out. It's not easy to make change. I know bad stuff happens, and obstacles get in the way. Oh how I know! But at some point, you have to either choose to take action and do something different, or you need to just stop complaining about how you want things to be different. You need to admit that if that were really what you wanted, you'd do something about it already! So maybe you would just rather leave things status quo. Hey, your call. Do what you want. But if you choose to do nothing, then for the love of God stop complaining about your lot in life! I hate to tell you this, but at some point, you just start to sound like a whiner, and sorry, but nobody likes a whiner.

People who think it's someone else's job to sort out their shit (see above). Excluding any circumstances that are truly beyond our control (illness, accident, life threatening incident, etc), what happens in your life is not the fault of someone else, and really, even if it is, you have a choice about how you react. I've said it a million times and I'll drive the point home every chance I get, you can be the hero of your life, or you can be the victim. Stop blaming everyone and everything outside of yourself, and take control of your life. Take back your power dammit!

People who creep other people on Facebook all the time but never weigh in on anything. Oh yeah, we know you're out there!  You're not fooling anyone.  Like seriously, WTF is that about? Are you afraid of something? Maybe about what other people will think if you 'like, comment on, or share' something? Are you just super nosey? Are you looking for something to criticize? Do you think you have nothing of value to say or contribute? I totally don't get it. It's weird and creepy and if you aren't going to participate, then maybe get the hell off of Facebook. It's a social media know, for being 'social'.  Do you go around spying in people's windows too?

Skeptics – don't even get me started.  Being a skeptic does not make you smarter than other people. It just makes you closed minded.

People who believe everything they read on the internet. Practice some critical thinking for fuck sakes! Bill Gates is NOT giving you any money! And quit sharing shit that tells me to type 'Amen' or asks me to prove my loyalty to you by copying and pasting some crap onto my page. It reeks of desperation. You don't need people to validate you like that! Aren't we smarter than this? Please tell me we are smarter than this.

People who think I am contradicting myself with the above two points. I'm not. Critical thinking.  Plus, have you met me?  I'm kind of a walking contradiction.  Deal.

People who never stop to think about why they believe the shit they do. Why exactly do you believe that all Muslims are terrorists? Oh, because Al at work says he once knew a Muslim who, based on his in depth knowledge of world religions and political ideology, is almost certainly a terrorist. Or because you watch Fox news which blames Muslims for almost every bad thing that ever happens in the world. So it must be true dammit! Really? So basically you're just spewing shit someone else put in your head and you never once stopped to question it? Sigh. I feel sad for you. But mostly, I want to smack you in the head.

People who support Donald Trump – If you're going to try and tell me how he's really not a misogynistic, homophobic, racist fucking asshole, save your breath and see the point above.

The grade four teacher who made me terrified of math. I'm pretty sure she actually GAVE me a math learning disability. WTF is wrong with a person who makes 9 year olds stand in front of the class while she uses a stop watch to time them reciting their multiplication tables, just to earn a lousy set of coloured pens? Like seriously, no pressure right? I coveted those pens. Asshole.

People in positions of authority who think that they are somehow smarter than the rest of the world because they are in said position of authority. Sure they might know a lot about their sphere of study/field of work, or are good at pretending they do, but when it comes to other things like, oh, I don't to talk to people without being an arrogant, condescending wanker, they have zero clue. I am not talking about all people in positions of authority, just the ones who fit this description.

Anyone who doesn't know how to take a hint when you're in a rush. You give off all the right body signals that you need to get going and eventually actually say, "I really have to go," and they still just keep blathering on about the casserole recipe they tried from Pinterest last week. Read my lips...I don't have time to care about how you grate the tomatoes with a cheese grater or about the delicious crunchy fried onion topping. On any other given day, when I'm not racing the clock to get home before my kids arrive from school, or I don't have a deadline to meet in 15 minutes, then I am more than happy to hear all about your casserole and anything else you want to talk about. Just not today!

Anyone who thinks their kids are perfect or should be perfect – those people's kids are usually assholes – just sayin. In this category are people who, when confronted with their child's bad behaviour, pretend that it's the first time anything like this has ever happened and that they are utterly shocked. It also includes the people who say things like, "Not my little Jimmy/Sally, they would never do anything like that!"  Really lady? Can we all just admit that everyone's kid is an asshole at least sometimes, and your darling is no exception?  So please get your head out of your ass and face reality. Please stop putting your insecurities on your kid and maybe stop putting pressure on them to be perfect. What kind of message are we sending our kids if we are constantly covering up for/defending their bad behaviour? What kind of message are we sending them if we are telling them that anything less than perfect is not acceptable and that if they mess up, they shouldn't admit it because maybe nobody will notice or maybe they can avoid having to deal with the consequences. The kids who never get called on their shit, and the ones who grow up trying to conform to an impossible ideal of perfection, are usually the ones who end up being the people everyone wants to smack in the head later in life. Please, don't do that to your kid.  Let them be human, but make them be accountable for their actions, and don't let them be assholes.  It's not rocket science.

So, there you have it. My list.

If you see yourself somewhere on this list, take heart, I probably didn't have you in mind when I wrote this. And really, who cares what I say anyhow? But if it makes you feel better, go ahead and make your own list and put me on it! I am well aware of the fact that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I know I do shit that makes people want to smack me too. I'm mostly o.k. with that these days, because worrying about what other people think all the time is soul crushing, bloody exhausting, and almost never any fun. Plus, it really interferes with my desire to be a bad ass truth teller. So, I'm learning to......

let shit go